Married my sugar daddy

Guest post by http://www.everyfitgirl.com/

On a blind date nine months ago Dave landed in my life and love smacked me (and him) in the face. We are currently blissfully engaged and being that we both are from Middle Eastern Jewish families there are many opinions from our collective family peanut galleries as to  what our day should be or shouldn’t be.

our blogger everyfitgirl.com will try to remain calm about this whole bridal shower hoopla (photo courtesy of http://thesoniashow.wordpress.com )

Here’s the thing; I hate bridal showers. There I said it. Call me a party pooper but I’ve always dreaded bridal showers, I’d show up say hello to my friend or relative that was the bride to be, make the rounds and head for the nearest exit as they began opening the gifts. Why do I feel this vitriol towards these showers? Because the whole process of ‘showering the bride’ feels so contrived and strange! According to Wikipedia, “The history of the {bridal shower} custom is rooted not necessarily for the provision of goods for the upcoming matrimonial home, but to provide goods and financial assistance to ensure the wedding may take place.”  Providing goods and financial assistance has now translated into giving a set of Pyrex or something raunchy by her girlfriends.

Despite all this, I decided to do the bridal shower myself and try to figure out on where I stand in a sea of tradition and ridiculousness.  Why you wonder? Well, it’s easier to go along with the masses then trying to change an ocean tide on your own. And well who doesn’t like a  gift or two? However since taking the plunge I’ve become quite baffled and flustered with all the ‘traditions’ and keep asking, ‘but why?’ So as a public service to all the soon-to-be-blushing brides out there I’ve taken the liberty of dissect the bridal shower.

DISCLAIMER:There are those that will not agree with me and I have no issue with that, as long as they don’t expect me to wear a paper hat made of discarded gift paper. I will respect your desire to put paper trash on your head as long as you don’t put any on mine. Deal?

Now without further ado let’s get started:

Pick a theme- Why in the world does a bridal shower need a theme? Shouldn’t the theme be: you give me something off my registry that I wanted and I’ll give you tsotchkes and small chocolates that you’ll probably toss out the minute you leave the party? While, yes this may seem jaded, I seriously don’t think you need a theme to create an event especially when the event is pretty evident, you know leading up to a wedding.

Bridal shower chair… I really don’t understand that chair. While I may not be a posterior expert, I’m going to say that those large wicker chairs that people love to decorate with cheap polyester chiffon and bows, is not comfortable. I searched the reason why people feel the need to prop said bride into an uncomfortable chair and sadly there is no answer on the internet. Which can only mean one thing, there is no reason whatsoever other than sheer malice by those hosting the shower.

Games… There are those that live for bridal shower games and I mean LIVE for them. Though, I have never seen the fun in unraveling toilet paper to make a ‘wedding dress’, I mean what if your TP design is prettier than the bride’s actual dress? Wouldn’t that be embarrassing? And then all the misused and thrown out crafts… it’s akin to a kids party on crack. Can’t we all just drink some Pinot Grigio with ice cubes and discuss how classy Ramona from the Housewives is? Though, I will admit there was one time that I enjoyed a game at a bridal shower. My friend, Emily’s bridesmaid gathered several unmarked containers and filled them with various spices and the broken up teams had to guess the spice. It was more of an ice breaker and actually was cute compared to the normal rhetoric of games but of course we had the normal games too.  And of course yours truly promptly bailed when those began.

Wishing well… typically, the wishing well is filled with cleaning products and kitchen supplies to indicate to the bride that from the minute you and your significant other are proclaimed as “husband and wife”, you are officially chained the kitchen. Oh… good, well thanks for that reminder that I’m going to have to pick up dirty socks and underwear and I’m going to have to clean. Apparently I’ll be expected to clean a lot because you’ve filled a whole laundry basket full of said cleaning supplies.  And even though, he may try to be helpful in this cleaning adventure, I’m going to eventually turn into my mother where “it’s not cleaned the right way so I’m going to have to clean it myself”. Oh good. Why, thank … you.

Gift opening… I have issues with opening gifts in front of people considering that I sorrowfully lack a poker face. Not that I won’t be grateful for the things, however there will be things that I will receive when I will unconsciously display a ‘what in the hell face’ is that gift. I am one person that should never become a high stakes gambler considering that what I’m thinking immediately shows on my face… it’s amazing someone has agreed to marry me regardless of this gigantic flaw. So I am going to try to avoid doing said ritual of opening the gifts so that these ladies may ohh and ahh before me. I may have to smoke them out or get them wasted but one way or the other, it hopefully won’t happen.

That hat… This never has made sense to me. Taking a paper plate, and taping on things such as ribbons, gift wrapping paper and bows to it that would otherwise be thrown away. Does anyone keep that hat and store it in a safe box, taking it out annually and say, “why yes, I recall all my lovely presents thanks to these scrapes taped to a paper plate” No, I doubt it. I also looked this up on the internet and again couldn’t find a proper reason for not throwing away your trash.

So there it is; the elements of a bridal shower that I have been dreading. And I’m sure there are things that I have missed that will surprise me and I’ll make the most awful of faces that will be captured on film and all of which will be printed for a family album. But there it is from the perspective of one random bride….got any to add?

Tags: bridal shower customs, bridal shower games, Bridal showers, bride to be, Every Fit girl, getting married, humor

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 10th, 2012 at 5:05 pm and is filed under Bridal showers, Every Fit girl, keeping it together, Leading Stories, marriage, Married my sugar daddy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.